Stuck

based on the novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Stuck. I've worked so hard just to get where I am, and now I'm stuck. After he died I tried my best to make more friends and stop being so sad all the time, but I couldn't. Not really. He was my best friend.

When he left. It reminded me so much of her. I loved her so much. And she loved me too. But she just had to drive out to go get me a second birthday present that I didn't even need. She had already gotten me one present just like everyone else, but she couldn't be just like everyone else. She couldn't just get me one present. Now she's dead. And now he's dead too. And now I'm stuck at this juncture where they won't get out.

Memories.

They won't leave me alone. They just keep running through my brain, showing me all of the things I did with them. Like when she let me stay up late and watch TV when Mommy and Daddy weren't home. And how he told me all of his secrets and I told him all of mine. And how he made me feel like I always had someone to talk to when no one else would listen. And how they were my friends at a time when no one else was. When no one else cared. No matter how much I scream and cry and beg them to leave. They won't. Instead they continue running through my brain with such intense tenacity that I am stuck. Stuck in a constant nightmare where I consistently refuse to condone her decision to go to get me a second present. Where I regret being friends with him. Where I hate her for getting me a second present. Where I imagine what life would be like if I just didn't care. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck. Maybe I would even be happy.

Maybe.

Because of them I want to go far away. I want to leave so I can see her again and tell her how much I love her and thank her for my present that I didn't need. I want to leave so I can tell him that I care about him even though he thinks I don't. Even though he thinks that no one cares. My best friend. I want to leave so they will leave me alone. And I would have really left, but I met Samantha (Sam) and her step-brother Patrick. We had lots of fun together. We went to parties, shared our dreams and desires, talked about our futures. We were friends. They were my first real friends since he died. But then I fell in love, and Sam said she was too old for me because she was a senior and I was a freshman, and that I didn’t know what love was, and that no one could love her. She accepts the love she thinks she deserves.

Now I am all alone because Aunt Helen just had to go get me a second present, and Michael didn't think anyone cared, and Patrick told me to stay away from his sister. I hate that every day I have to live through life feeling only guilt and depression. I want to be dead so my memories will stop running through my head reminding me of everything that I've lost and will never see again.

~ Khaya Y.