You Can't Run Away From Yourself

The smell of fresh pine cones roamed the house as the lights outside glowed. I sat by the window sill, pressing my face against the window watching the snow fall down. My rosy red face was numb. It wasn’t always like this. It’s only been a year since we moved. last Christmas the disaster happened. Well atleast it was a disaster for me. Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday as you can probably tell. I know you’re wondering what happened but I need to work up the courage to reveal my story. “Adeline. DINNER I’ve been yelling at you for five minutes”, my mom blasted. The stairs on our new house creaked, our other ones had the softest carpet, you feet would slide down the stairs but we all had to adjust.

“You shouldn’t set a place for someone who is not here.”

“sweety he’d want us to for him.”

“ Get it out of here now.”

“NOW” I screamed as more than one emotion came out. The tears, the anger, the sadness from that night all coming back at once.

“Your mother was just trying to do something nice,” my dad was trying to calm me down.

“Adeline I’m leaving it”

In that very moment if my life was a movie I’d pause it then restart it because what I did. It was uncalled for. As I threw my grandmother’s favorite plates across the room I thought “how did it ever get this bad.”

Christmas morning. If santa was real I’d be getting some major coal today. I went through my window to avoid any unwanted collisions with my parents. Here is when it all started.The streets were quiet I could feel the joy around my neighborhood and I’m the dark cloud in the middle. I wanted him back. Especially today.

What if for just one day everything was normal. Time was turned back. The match didn’t work. The fire didn’t start. Aaden didn’t die. We would be in our real home, everyone would be happy and most importantly Aaden would be with us.

I go to Aunt Alice’s house in the city when I run away because it is quiet and filled with cats. I can tell what your thinking. She was the stereotypical lonely aunt with cats but that's just who she was. At least she was happy again. After the accident everyone in our family was changed a little bit. Even if you weren't close family. She moved also, to be closer to us. It was on the third floor and somehow her door always seemed to be broken. I had a key made for myself without telling her for just these type of situations. I know this would happen sooner or later. CATS WERE EVERYWHERE. At Least she was an exorbitant organiser. The floorboards creaked it smelled and felt like fish or some type of seafood. She was a therapist with a home office. In reality she needed therapy more than her patients. My favorite part of her apartment was the kitchen, at 7:00am the sun hits the glass table through the window. I can’t explain how it looks, you would have to see it for yourself.

“Adeline is that you,” Alice hesitated since her door is shattered and doesn’t lock.

“It's me, you can put the umbrella down now. It’s not like you’d hurt someone with it.”

“Just being cautious Addy. Make yourself at home but…I have to let your parents know you are o.k. “

“No. They can’t know I am here. They would make me go back home.”

“Fine I won’t call until tomorrow.”

The next morning I had to leave find somewhere else to hide in the shadows and sequester myself from others. I knew it. I could feel it. I knew they were worried. They can’t act like things are normal They can’t just deny it or have it be the forbidden subject. Aaden would have exonerated my parents by now. If Aaden took my place things would be different. He’s the talker I’m the runner. I had a poster that he gave me, signed by these famous people. I didn’t love it because it was expensive or “valuable” I loved it because Aaden gave it to me. When I remember times with Aaden I can almost feel his soft velvet touch, the way his clothes smelled, and that one sweater that felt like baby bunnies as white as snow. A tear ran a marathon down my cheek I swiped it off like I was swiping a credit card. I grabbed a banana then in the blink of an eye I was gone. I had to leave a note so she wouldn’t freak out.

Running. Why do I keep running. It is just who I am. What if I don’t want to be myself. I want to be more like Aaden. I’d do anything to just see his face again. I never even went to the funeral. I was too heartbroken to see anyone for weeks.

I was off to the cousins house, I have so many of them I lost track of names. They were not far from here. It was freezing outside. The streets were filled with joyous people during the holidays. The lamps were lit up like fireworks. It was cold but the smiling people made it seem warm again.

Thud. My cold body hit the concrete like glass shattering on the ground. I was so caught up in my own world that I didn’t look at the outside world. The car came out of nowhere. My life flashing before my eyes. An idiot deer caught in headlights. I was knocked out cold my aunt ran outside looked at me. Her eyes. They were the last things I saw before it all went white.

“Mom.”

“I’m here. it’s alright now we are all here for you Adeline.”

“We never want to lose you again. Your mom and I got so worried.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

At that moment everything was perfect.We were all together at last. Even if I am in the hospital This will be one of my favorite memories. The tough moments in life are what matter the most because it is when there are hard decisions to make. The tough times are the ones that test you. They definitely tested me. I barely made it alive but I’m here now and that's all that matters.

~ Helene F.